Funny dating rules garunteed to Fail as told by (Abby Elliott) SNL

(She sort of looks like Dakota Fanning’s older sister ^.^)

As I mentioned in my last post I decided to dive into a Cosmopolitan magazine. While doing so I came across a lot of articles that I found very useful. I will probably blog a couple of them later on (but not too many), Cosmo might sue me. (initiates mission impossible soundtrack in 5..4..3..)

Alright, so the name of this Q and A article is “Meet your SNL dating coach”.

Here is what Abby said to do on EVERY first date that you go on.

DO: Ask him right off the bat “Can you or can you not make it rain in the club?”

DON’T: Forget to take bleach off your upper lip before you get there.

DO: Make sure your divorce is final.

DON’T: Kiss him on the first date (Sex is fine. Just no kissing)

DO: Ask him how much money he makes. Then, no matter his response, say “Prove it,” and order a lobster for everyone in the restaurant.

DON’T: Call him by your ex boyfriend’s name, unless he actually has the same name as your ex. (Which is just weird.)

DO: Show him pictures of your kids, even if you don’t have any. The test of a real man is how he reacts to your having children that do not exist.

DON’T: Live-blog your date (I lol’d on that one)

DO: Pretend to choke on your dinner, then giggle when he starts to give you the Heimlich and scream, “Psych!” Right in his face. If he laughs, keep him and never let the sucker go.

DON’T: Pay

DO: Ask him what his astrological sign is. When he answers, tell him “I don’t believe in that stuff anyway……”

DON’T: Constantly bring up how death is inevitable

DO: Remember that a bathing suit top can work as a shirt….especially if you want to get laid!

DON’T: Say ‘I love you’, before dessert.

Alright if you want to see the full article it is in the February issue on page 164. I left some of her answers out because they are bit too “in-depth” lol. However, I did think of a few rules myself so read on my minions, read on.

DO: Bring your cats to the restaurant, don’t worry he will love them!

DON’T: cry when the waiter’s hair style reminds you of the time you caught your ex boyfriend sexting another man. (Unless the waiter is the other man then its OK)

DO: Bring a TI-84 calculator, don’t worry it will make you look smart.

DON’T: Use it for the bill when he asks to go dutch.

DO: Tell him about you fascination with the Nazi’s. Guys love a good intrigue.

DON’T: Tell him that you are Jewish.

DO: Show him your naked Myspace photo’s.

DON’T: Forget to ask for his.

DO:  Tell him that you secretly aspire to reaching section 8 income level at Kinko’s.

DON’T: Forget to lie about your last Hepatitis B Test.

DO: Ask him what his favorite car is and no matter what he answers, say “Well I drive a ‘96 Prius.”

DON’T: Forget to get drunk and tell him about the time you mistook your brother for your boyfriend.

DO: Talk about your secret obsession with MMO gaming, give him the whole scoop…”I have a death knight….level 72….”

DON’T: Talk about the SIMS, no one likes the sims….

DO: Google ‘destination weddings’ on your Blackberry before the appetizer. You have to get things rolling somehow right?

DON’T: Ask him to change his shirt because you think he looks like a female.

DO: Ask him how big his penis is.

DON’T: Forget to laugh when he tells you and then drunkenly scream, “LIAR!”…. If he doesn’t cry; keep him.

DO: Kick him in the shin when walking to the car, that means you like him.

DON’T: Kick him when he’s trying to eat. That isn’t classy. Besides you might have to pay for the food on the floor. No one wants that.

DO: Tell him that you looked him up on the sex offender’s registry.

DON’T: Tell him that you found his name on the list. That might emasculate him.

DO: Make him fill out an application to be your future boyfriend. It makes you seem important.

DON’T: Tell him that he failed, your trying to get laid remember?

DO: When he talks about his grandmothers last birthday yell, “…And that’s what SHE said!!!”.

DON’T: Laugh at your own jokes, that makes you look shallow.

DO: Check your teeth in the reflection of your shot glass.

DON’T: Drink from it after, that’s just gross.

DO: Volunteer to sing karaoke, then while you are up there, mention ALL of your favorite sex positions.

DON’T: Forget to lean into him sexily while eating dinner, once you are inches from his face, say “You have something on your cheek,” Then spit on a napkin and wipe it off for him. Guys LOVE the Freudian Complex.

DO: Update Twitter in 20 Minuit intervals while on the date. Who cares if he’s one of your followers.

DON’T: Forget to smooth things over when he asks about your last tweet, “This guy is such a L-O-S-E-R!! Srsly what a TOOL!”

DO: Let him see you slip a few wine glasses in your purse, Guys love a girl who likes to risk it.

DON’T: Let him see you slip the steak knives in your purse. He may get the wrong impression.

Alright, so there ya have it, the best advice I could give to those who are looking for an interesting first date! On the flip side blogging makes me absolutely no money whatsoever so now I believe it is time to do what every college student dreads…..look for a job.

Also since the fashion post took off so well (the amount of hits were at an all time high) I will be posting some more weird reviews from fashion week soon so keep an eye out!

[Via http://sugako.wordpress.com]

(Nude) Human Furniture Photos

As not seen in Ikea - could be a Billy Bookcase though?

As it happens, I need a new book case for the lounge. I wonder if they make a corner unit though?

Sometimes you stumble upon the oddest things when trawling the internet. I found this at one of my favorite design and architecture sites. The artist has used the male nude in a variety of poses to act as furniture items you might use in your home.

It reminds me that someone was telling me of a website where you can advertise for people to come and “work” in your home for free. They would do pretty much anything, serve food and drink, be lead around on a lead like a pet, or in one case, act as a coffee table for the evening. The one condition is that they do it naked. Yup – completely nude. They get their pleasure from serving you and therefore no payment is required. Just the thing to liven up my next cocktail evening perhaps?

Unfortunately, I do not have the web address (otherwise dear reader, be assured that I would be sharing it with you)! If anyone out there knows of such a website for the London area, please let me know!!

Back to the main story (I am easily distracted) – you can find further information and pictures here :Strange Human Furniture Photos (Not Safe, Nor Work) | Designs & Ideas on Dornob.

[Via http://thebiggayal.wordpress.com]

An Introduction to Anal Sex

Anal sex, this is everybody.  Everybody, this is Anal sex.  Now we have the formalities out of they way, let’s have a good look at anal sex.

Anal Sex is apparently, the New Black.  Surveys tell us that everyone is doing it.  For teen girls not wanting to get pregnant, it used to be a hand job or a blowjob in the back of the car, but now it’s taking it in the backdoor that is in vogue.  According to an online survey I read today on Boing Boing, lots of people at MIT are having anal sex.  Have a look at the graph:

Not bad for a supposedly taboo subject!!

83.6% of sexually active respondents to an MIT sex survey have at least tried anal sex.  At least that’s how I read that graph.

So, on to more specific things!

I like anal sex.  I can orgasm this way.  I also understand that it can be intimidating, uncomfortable, embarrassing and downright painful.  So, how to start if you are new to it?

First off, I am writing this from a woman’s perspective, as that is the only one I have.

If you haven’t been initiated into the pleasures of anal sex, you need to remember a few things.

• Start small.  You don’t want to be putting anything like this inside you the first time.  A finger is good for a first time experience, but remember, make sure they cut their nails!
• Start slow.  A bum is different to a pussy.  It is smaller and tighter.  It doesn’t relax as easily.
• Be gentle.  The last thing you want is someone slamming away in there with little regard for you, it is different to vaginal sex.
• Use lube.  Lots.  When you think you have enough, use more.  The anus doesn’t self lubricate, and skin or what have you pulling on skin can get uncomfortable and painful quickly.
• Use a condom, especially if you want any other type of sex later.  It keeps him clean, keeps toys clean, protects from infections, and makes clean up easier.

Men, take your time, be respectful, and take no for an answer.  Also, don’t be rough.  At least, not until you are asked to be.

Anal sex isn’t for everybody, and I like it only occasionally.  It is great when I do get it, and the orgasms are different to a vaginal or clitoral orgasm, but no less intense.  It is a fantastic addition to our sexual repertoire.

And variety is the spice of life!

Love,

Chiquita

x

www.cheapsextoys.co.nz

No Complaints, Only Moans

[Via http://cheapsextoysonline.wordpress.com]

Sensuality & Femininity - Aesthetic and Objective Art

. Only Flickr members with safe search OFF will see the photos. Join Flickr free. Sounds like a graduate school seminar, doesn’t it? Something in the modernculture series,perhaps, with dense, turgidly written books and articles required reading. Fellow students with bad skin and black glasses… Nope, the Flickr pool bearing this overly pretentious appellation is chock full of remarkable sexy photographs!

.

Read all of Visions

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Random Girls 2

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Day 100/101 (2/13/10-2/14/10): My Bloody Ballantine

Since about day 4, I’ve been getting questions and concerns about where this will all end. Because, it had to have an ending, right? On day one-hundred when I magically pick the girl of my dreams and we live happily ever after into the sunset. But this isn’t that ending. This isn’t that story. I spent half the day reading in my apartment. I spent the other half chain-smoking and walking around the Village with Kevin Devine on an infinite loop. I went to a diner and jotted some notes down with a Denver Omelet, and a bottomless cup of coffee and my flask of Jameson I’ve had in my bag for about a week, finally polishing it off. Before I knew it was dark and I was in front of a liquor store, an all too familiar scenario.

I perused the aisles for something to bite my fancy. I got a bottle of twelve-year Ballantine’s because I felt like springing for a nice drunk. The female clerk looked at me with pity and wished me a happy Valentine’s, before putting it in the brown paper bag. I didn’t even wait til the Subway to crack it open. And when I got on the subway and off at her stop.

77 Days ago I was in this position, in the exact opposite of circumstances. I was sober, earnest, and really wanted to make a go for it.  But when I got up to her apartment, and she looked at me through chain-locked door gap. And three words were the magical phrase to get the door open.

I brought scotch.

She took it out of the bag.

You opened it?

Sorry. Happy Valentines.

What happened to your perfect girl?

I don’t want perfect, I want you.

She immediately punched me and smacked me upside the head, telling me that was the cheesiest thing she ever heard. I told her I was still drunk, and I’d have fresher material if she let me take her to dinner.  She told me no, and that wasn’t ever gonna happen. And then she kissed me. And I kissed back. She bit my lip and drew blood, I took a sip from the bottle. We stood there drinking and kissing for minutes before we took it to her couch, all the while drinking and kissing our way over.

Three hours later the scotch was gone and I was staring at her ceiling while she snored on my chest. I was picking the the new scab on my lip, when she woke up from it, and started kissing me and reopening the wound. We fooled around again, and I got that look in my eye, when she repeated her no.

On day 100, I had another night of drunk sex that we pretended meant a whole lot less. More times than not you wind up having drunk sex with your friend because your both confused, lonely, misguided people, who happen to enjoy the finer points of both scotch & sex. I don’t think I’m gonna wind up with Kara, and I don’t pretend to think it’s nothing more than a constant conscious mistake I keep letting myself make while better things come around, but maybe in the next 100 days or another 100 dates, I’ll find something that works.

[Via http://100girls100days.com]

Abi Titmuss strips

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