I’m starting to question my love and devotion as a sports fan. Not to just one of my teams in particular and not to a specific sport but rather to sporting world in general. There’s about 100 good solid reasons I can think off hand to why I’m drifting away from sports but the breaking point came this afternoon. It appears just reporting on sports isn’t good enough. We need to be entertained as well.
I was in the library. The brand spanking’ new library that is, with the amazingly comfortable fart couches. I call them fart couches because they’re made of the cheap fake leather that gives a bellowing farty sound when ever someone sits on them. But although everyone in the building knows someone just took a seat on a fart couch I find them surprisingly comfortable. The reward of reading a stack of magazines in a relaxed state is worth hearing a little girl go “ewwww he make noise mommy”
Usually I once I find my weekly novel the fart couches are my next stop inside the library. I’ll snatch the newest Sports illustrated, Consumer reports, Time, Newsweek, Entertainment weekly, and the over-sized EPSN the magazine. ESPN the magazine is always the one I always look forward to the most.
Or at least it was.
I'm sure it will be chocked full of sports information....right?
This month’s ESPN magazine is being known as “the Body issue”. Nude, yet tastefully done, photos of sports stars are all throughout the issue. A shot of Venus Williams naked here, a photo of Carl Edwards there and a handful of other athletes in the buff. I have not problem with the human body. Can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent in figure drawings classes in college sketching nude models. I’ve very desensitized when it comes to naked people.
Two thoughts popped into my mind as I thumbed through the odd Body issue.
Zdeno Chara.........yeah I wasn't sure why I had to look at it either
1) Why was I looking at a picture Boston Bruin’s Zdeno Chara wearing not any cloths? Is it to prove that athletes have great bodies? Really? I always thought my doughy ass has the same physique as a NFL player earning eight million a year. Shocked I was when I saw a NBA star had ripped abs. Guess I had always assumed they rocked a beer cut and man tits under that jersey. Who’d have thunk.
Seems a little pointless to me to show all these athletes. Fans of sports, who I’m guessing is the major demographic for ESPN the magazine, already know that sports stars have unbelievable bodies. But we’re fans of the sports not of bodies. I’ve never watched NHL football and said “that was a great pass but DAMN I gotta see him naked. Wonder his pecs look like”
If I want to see people naked I’ll read a Playboy or a Penthouse. If I want to inform myself about the latest in the sports world I’ll read EPSN the magazine. That’s how it should.
2) Do you know how Embarrassing it is sitting in a public library thumbing though a magazine that’s page after page after page of naked people while a mother with two little girls sits on the farty couch on the other side of the sitting area? There’s nothing you can say when you look up and she’s got that “this guy is a pervert” look on her face. Trust me I know that look well.
I wanted to tell her “Listen lady. I just wanted to find the power rankings for NHL teams. Wasn’t my idea to get sports stars oiled up and pose”
It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just a few pages devoted to these nude yet tastefully done photos. But they weren’t kidding when the said ”body issue”. Half the magazine was devoted to nude shots. At first it was just single players posing. Then later on it was entire teams posing together. Just when I though I was out of the woods and an actual sports article would be awaiting me on the next page there was a volleyball squad bare ass.
There was a elderly woman I saw out of the corner of my eye. She looked over my shoulder, saw what I was looking at, made that disgusted sound (trust me. I know that sound well) and walked away towards the help desk. I was certian she was going to complain about me.
Don’t get me wrong. I love naked women. That’s what the Internet was made for in my eyes. But when I’m in the mood for sports I kind of hope EPSN can provide sports instead of useless entertainment.
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